Friday, December 18, 2009

Poop face, raccoon style!

No, unfortunately that is not just a catchy title line.

Last night I was on my way to bed around 10 after having the police over for an oatmeal cream pie & a water. Lincoln had been in "bed" for about an hour & a 1/2, though we laid him back down several times. Apparently on the last one he mentioned, "Shoowee." Checked, clean, night night!

45 minutes later as I walk up the stairs I got a whiff of something. Linc's door was open & my immediate thought was that of his trash can.

As I walked closer to his door the smell of rancid chocolate overtook me. My enlightened eyes slowly adjust to the darkness, the glider is moving, the trash can sits erect & unmoved.

I step over his gate, because I'm a man, that's what I do. Why go through a door when I can go over it! One step in and a squish, ohhh. In my frozen state, eyes still unaquainted with the blackness, I turn and yell, "Get the bath ready we are coming down."

I flip the light to see wide eyes instantly go squinty - there is a stark naked raccoon in my son's glider half covered in a blue blankey painted some hideous color of brown. He looks up at me through the lone ranger style mask of feces and says, "daddy."

One minute later we are in the shower, Linc with his sad, cold sleepy face as I start to clean him. He cries a little, then laughs a little, but mostly sits blankly as if to say, "I was asleep father, why didst thou wake me from my slumber?"

It was not an easy removal as apparently malleable lumps of steaming dung dry quickly and crunchy. Wash, wipe, soak, repeat while he sits, shakes and says, "cold." "I know baby, I know."

Finally clean & in zipped and buttoned footy pj's, his mother having already handled the new paint job in his room, it was time for bed again. As I lay him down, "night night Linc, I love you." He looks at me with a slight grin behind his blue paci, "squeeze?!?"

"No buddy, I think you already squeezed it all."

1 comment:

  1. ewww...i feel for you...with my laughter...gotta love those